It’s so funny how I have this experience of my own gift where I feel very intimidated by it and scared and I don’t want anyone to know about it and I feel like I have to keep it a secret. Yet anytime anyone is open about or sharing their gift, I feel somehow insulted, like I’m not special or something because I do imagine myself as being this very important Being. That’s a shift that needs to happen because it’s a closed-system thought process, that there isn’t enough to go around. That this isn’t something that everyone is capable of and at the same time that it’s my burden, my chore (I might say in weaker moments) to help people realize this gift in a different way.
My experience has been acute and very rapid also, and so I have this way of being able to articulate the enlightenment process on multiple levels—the way it feels and the way that it works in your brain and I have this ability to hold all of that at the same time in different ways because I am so expansive. Because my soul is so old and I’ve already had so many experiences and expanded so far that I can only snap back a certain ways through the rebirth process. So I have this innate ability to connect experiences past with present. And past like lifetimes past, not just in this go round, as it were. So the more acutely aware I become, the better I am able to reach into past lifetimes to expand outside the third dimension. Because it’s not just linear time at that point—an acceptance of an afterlife is dependent upon there being other dimensions, otherwise, where the fuck would you go. It’s expansion—recognizing expansion beyond the third dimension of where we are now and how we’re meant to experience life on earth.
It’s so weird because what happens to me, I can’t understand it. It’s like a third eye thing. This information comes to me in pictures that I can’t even see. It’s my imagination. If I open myself up to whatever, I ask the question and I sort of rest and listen. But it’s like listening on a different level, like sensational listening, energetic listening—not with your ears, with your receptors, with your pores, with your whole self. I don’t hear words when I get on a streak, that’s not exactly true, sometimes I will hear words, but it’s like a sentence starting and if I don’t write it down then it repeats until I either record it or I start writing and then the information flows.
Often times when I am slipping into something, that is how it’s triggered, with a repeating thought I can’t get out of my head. Then, when I accept its significance and open myself to the message it fucking comes pouring out of me. Like I said, I don’t totally understand it. At some point in that process, when I am in the flow of it, pictures are easier because if someone was talking—if it was coming to me as a voice—then it would get too distracting, me talking over another voice. That’s why then my receptor flips to my imagination and the way that I receive information is through pictures. I will get on a streak and start going and then when I get lost. When I lose the thread, I just relax and sit back and remember that it’s not me. I’m just receiving. I’m just a vessel so I can’t try too hard to edit or impose on the message in any way. So if I’m losing the thread, and I can feel it, then I relax back and open up again and just wait. Then, usually it will catch back on where it ended or I will come back and repeat one word. It’s like pausing a movie, you have to remember where you were at and then press play and it will just start up again. And that’s how it works. And then if I am saying it out loud or recording it in some way, it’s really cathartic and often times it is important information about stuff I’ve been working on or helpful insight.
The hard part is that because I’m this channel, this open vessel, I don’t remember the things that come through me, so I have to go back and listen or reread what I wrote. Sometimes it’s astounding to me that that even came out of my body because often it’s really profound shit, very cool profound things that I often wonder about because I don’t have the fucking answer and then suddenly, I get this tap on the shoulder (proverbially) and then I have the answer—it’s handed to me. It’s not fucking simple and I had to work really hard to get here, I feel. Other people have to work a lot harder in this lived experience. It’s not fair for me to say I had to work hard. I’m talking about lifetimes when I say that, not about in this lifetime. In this lifetime, it’s been pretty fucking easy because of all the other lifetimes of work I’ve done to get here.
I sound insane, I totally understand that, but it’s real. It’s as real as anything. It’s weird but it’s true. Thinking about things this way and experiencing it this way, it’s hard for me to compress myself into a third dimensional situation, which means a capitalistic world view and an economy that’s crumbling and the social unrest and everything that’s going on. It’s hard to participate and I have to keep reminding myself that’s why we’re here. That’s why I’m here. I have to get involved and have the human experience. But I guess that’s what this is. The channeling is forcing me to get involved—I feel compelled to do something about it. And being surrounded by people who are encouraging me. I just don’t know how much longer I can do this part of it. The part where I get smashed like a bug. I get so owned by the third dimensional experience. It gets so uncomfortable. I hate the compression of it and I haven’t quite worked out how to be expanded and do what I do. I’m not sure.